Just about to give up!

These last few months have been tough to say the least time again I have tried to rise and time again I have fallen. Its gotten me thinking what would happen if I just gave up, just let everything I'm holding on to so hard go and just gave up. I'm so tired, so done with trying and working and struggling and failing again and again. I don't wanna hit dirt bottom anymore I'm tired of it I just wanna get up and walk away from it all. Just throw my hands up tell life it just won and declare defeat.
But despite all that its just not possible unfortunately like doesn't come equipped with a exit button. It doesn't come with a off switch that you can flip when your just done with it all. We must struggle on despite the pain, the tiredness, the witlessness, the wish to just stop it all. I'm told when we reach rock bottom is when we find in us the strength to go on. I'm really hoping all those people are right!

Tunnel!

So I'm standing there and ahead of me is this tunnel, its long, dark, and scary! Somewhere down at the end is a light, its so far ahead that all I can see is a tiny pinpoint of light. I turn to walk away but behind me is nothing all there is the path I am on leading to this tunnel. Again I turn to walk down this tunnel and suddenly in my hand is a light its not very bright and it doesn't shine very far but the step in front of me is clear. So I start walking each step is taking me deeper into the dark into the unknown but despite the dark that presses around me I can each step because of this light that I carry.
I wake up and I see that my life is like this tunnel so dark and unknown, there is a light but its so far down the way that all it is is a tiny pinpoint of light. But I have this light, its all the hopes and dreams that I have, all the people in my life that believe in me and are cheering me on, and it lights my way one step at a time. It leads me on through the dark and the unknown towards the light that waits for me!

Just another fall....but I will rise again!

Sometimes in life we reach moments where it seems the burden life has placed on our shoulders is too heavy, too cumbersome, too much and we fall. All the things we've been holding on too, all the sanity, and the "positive" attitude just washes away and we are left with the loneliness, the tears, and the failure. How do we stand after this? Where do we get the strength to stand and forget everything? How do we gather up our losses and carry on?
I reached one of these moments last night, I just broke, all the strength I'd been trying to hold on too for the last few months just went away and I cried like I haven't in a long time. I don't know if it was a long time in coming, or if there was just one specific thing that brought it on but whatever it was I fell.
For so long I have been fighting to get where I want, to follow my dreams, and to make something of myself and with that comes the responsibilities, the stress, and of course the failures. Somehow though time and time again I get back up and I go again, like a petulant child who just won't give up on the candy they want so bad. Somewhere in me is something that pushes me forward everyday that eggs me on every time I fall. Whether it is strength or pure insanity I know not, but no matter what it is its there.
Loneliness, pain, loss they are all just part of life but just as they are part of life so is strength, courage, and happiness. I believe that when you reach the lowest part of what is you is when you find the strongest part of you that core that won't give up no matter what hits them. These times we hit are not really failure at all they are setbacks and setbacks are meant to be overcome!

One Year!

Its been one year since I lost the most important man in my life, without out warning without drama he slipped away. Despite all the time that has passed I still miss him every day! There are so many feelings that come with that, everyone tries to tell you they understand what your going through but they don't!
I know they say that time heals all, and maybe with more time I will heal but as it is now I still think he went to early. I wanted him to be there when I graduated from college, to walk me down the isle when I got married, to see my children and have the chance to hear them call him grandpa!
I wanted him to be here for so much, I wanted to be able to tell him that I loved him once more, I wanted him to be proud of me, wanted him to just be here!
Time is so short, its here and then in a instant its gone and never again do we get the chance to live it again. I used to argue with him, disagree on stupid issues, and sometimes I was even guilty of thinking I hated him. But I would take that all back in a second just to have him here again, I would take everything back just to be able to see him smile just one more time!
When it first happened I went through the usual disbelief and than sorrow, and then came the anger. I was mad at him for leaving us, mad at god for taking him. I remember crying and telling god that he had made a mistake that I wasn't ready for him to be gone that he needed to give him back, he couldn't have him yet!
But maybe it was his time, maybe god in his infinite wisdom knew far more than I ever will. I know god has a plan for each person and maybe gods plan for my dad was fulfilled and it was his time to go back home to heaven. I have to say maybe because I still battle with the anger, I still feel the resentment but I have to accept because like I said god knows so much more than we ever could, he took him when he did for a reason, I can't see the reasoning but its there all the same.
One truly great man left this world and took a part of me with him. In a way though he's not gone I can feel him still here looking from beyond, loving each of us, thinking of each of us, sending us his strength from beyond!
Every day I miss him just a little more, and everyday I know that he will forever live in my heart!

I have a dream!

I have a dream of where I want to be, of what I want to do, a dream so big and beautiful it scares me to think of it.
The process to accomplishing this dream is a very long and arduous journey, its so far away I can't even see it I can just imagine it.
We all have dreams not just small dreams but big dreams, dreams we seldom tell anyone because they are so big we are scared lest they come to naught.
Sometimes I'm worried that in the pursuit of my dreams I will miss out on my life, we've all heard the saying life is what happens while we are busy making other plans. I fear that will be me, I'm so worried that while I'm busy planning for my life and striving to get there all that is around me will just pass away.
I'm scared that if I dare to dream of more, that the chase of that will cause me to miss out on everything else.
Life moves so fast time passes and days turn to weeks weeks turn to months which then turn to years. At one point or another we all look back and realize that while we were dreaming and planning and striving we have also been living.
I don't think that life is about finding your dream I think life is about the journey you take to that dream.
For what is a man without a goal to strive for, yet in that striving lets not forget to take the time to look around us and realize that we are living!

New Year!!!

Well here it comes again, time for resolutions and change and newness. Time for getting drunk and kissing random strangers with very questionable breath. Time for Moving on into the future and leaving the year past behind us. this year has been so full. Full of change, new people, new experiences, I've definitely run the full gauntlet of emotions and feelings.
When I look at this new year coming up I am both excited and scared. Excited because there is so much potential so much fresh newness so much ability for this year to be amazing. Scared because I don't if I'm ready to face a whole new year full of challenges and pain.
But scared or not I am ready, I'm ready to kiss this past year goodbye and ring in the new year. Im ready to face the challenges, upheavals, and surprises this year has to hold. I'm ready, so bring it on! HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!

I haven't forgotten!

No I have not forgotten about you dear blog I've just been terribly busy and important, Ha ha!
So much has happened I know not where to start to update this thing, I am still in Texas, still working at the same school and still loving life!!!
This year has taught me so very much, it has changed me in so many ways I can't even begin to list them all. Its like this year has taken all the things that I am very worst at and made me work on them all. I promise you I am no where near perfect at any of them but I am becoming more adept at handling situations and people!
My apartment is coming along quite nicely, actually starting to look like home rather than an empty living space!
My sister just had her baby, another boy so that bring her to three boys! I am now an aunt of nine nephews and five nieces, and I love them all to death!!!
Over all I am just loving life and I am happy, despite everything I am really just genuinely happy and healthy life is good!!!!